Much of this last year was spent healing my middle-school age version of myself. She experienced a lot of stuff - pivotal life events with big feelings and not a lot of space to safely express and process those emotions. A sweet picture of her sits on my altar where I breathe and chant most mornings. I see her, I feel her, I talk to her, I love her. I’ve given her the attention and compassion she needed so many years ago - letting her know she is not alone. She now rests on the altar of my tender heart… with me always. Sometimes she still craves attention, feels alone, and doesn’t know what to do. She shows up when people get loud and angry. She shows up when I experience rejection. She shows up when I am not good at something on the first try. I meet with her love, embrace her, cry with her, dance with her, and laugh with her. She knows that she is not alone.
I’ve decided to update my altar with high school-aged Carrie. She also went through a lot too - carried a lot of pain and that she didn’t want others to see. She didn’t want to be a heavy burden. She wanted to feel light and bright. So she worked her ass off, smoked her ass off, drank like a fish, and turned to drugs and got high as hell. She worked two jobs, she excelled at school, she was the editor-in-chief of the newspaper at school, she was pretty, she was easy-going, most people loved her. I realize showing up in a leadership role and excelling at pretty much everything she was willing to try gave her the attention she cried for, control she desired to create a sense of safety, and lots of praise she needed to feel confident. She found a guy to love her and friends to be with her. I began to let my pain lead me. So many times, my pain had me saying yes when my heart wanted to say no.
This year I commit to giving space to be soft and gentle with those hardened edges created by the pain that runs deep. Right now, I hold 18 year old Carrie on the altar of my heart and a photo on my sacred altar. She is with me. I am with her. She is with me. We are healing… together.
